Grief

Loosing a loved one can be one of the hardest events in a person's life.  Whether loosing a family member, a close friend, or a pet it can be a difficult, sad, confusing and traumatic time that.    
The feeling associated with grief is often felt in waves.  There are times when the feelings are so intense that it becomes hard to breathe, and then other times when everything is ok and you feel completely at ease.  There are no feelings that are 'not allowed' or 'bad', it is very common for people to have an array of feelings, some of which make no sense at all. Allowing the feelings to be felt rather than suppressing them will help them pass more easily. What you resist will persist.  

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5 Stages of Grief

Sometimes people are shocked and upset by their changing and powerful emotions when they are bereaved. Realising that these feelings are quite normal may help.

 Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's model, or the 5 stages of grief, suggests that we go through a series of 5 key emotions after a loved ones death; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

• Denial- unable to admit that the loved one is dead and cling to a belief that they are just away and will return.
• Anger- The loved one may be blamed for dying, or others that may be around may be blamed for the death
• Bargaining-  at times people can start bargaining with the universe/God/Allah "If I do X, please send them back" "I'll never do another bad thing if you send them back to me"!
• Depression- The realisation that the loved one really has passed away and coming to terms with the space left in their world.
• Acceptance- moving on, and integrating the loss into their lives without it defining their whole existence, there is space for their own life and for others to come in and for life to be enjoyed again.

Complicated Grief

'Complicated' because the feelings of grief are not subsiding and are getting in the way of resuming daily life.  Whereas with most people grief can be intense and acute for months but with improvement over time, those with complicated grief seem to be stuck in the acute stage for months and even years, with their experience of the world being infused with their feelings of loss and pain.  
Seeking professional help to work through the causes of complicated grief is advisable.  

How to Cope

Here a few tips for coping when a loved one passes away:

• Feel your feelings-don't stuff them away or tell yourself not to feel them, if you need to cry in the supermarket, cry!  The more you allow them to pass the easier the process with bee. I will say it again, what you resist will persist.
• Express your feelings- if talking to others isn't what you are comfortable with, start writing your feelings down, create an art piece, knit your feelings into something, whatever makes sense to you!
• Take care of yourself- Eat well, avoid alcohol and other numbing substances, sleep consistent hours as much as you can, get yourself some massages or a mani/pedi....be good to yourself.
• Surround yourself with kind people-don't let people tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Avoid those people.  Be with people that will let you feel how you feel and maybe even cheer you up a bit, and at the very least distract you for a while. 
• Identify and plan ahead for your 'grief triggers'- identifying the people, places and things that trigger your grief and planning a way to better cope with them when they happen can help reduce the pain because they won't catch you off guard and send you into a tailspin.  Sometimes calling a friend and talking it through before and after, pretending you are in a protective see through bubble that is safe and serene, at en event with lots of people you don't want to talk to and focussing on spending time with one of the children are all things that can help.